Freedom!

Today I quit my job.  Here’s how it happened:

I was sitting at my desk and V emailed me about my Productivity Report.  Yeah you heard me, Productivity Report.  We have to submit a report at the end of every shift where we write down all sites we worked on and how much time did we spend on those sites.  We have to include a total time at the bottom.  Lately I hadn’t been doing my job well because I hated it so my time was like 120 mins on some days.   So I was afraid that when she saw my correct PRs they would fire me.  Instead of that happening I quit.  First I packed up my stuff, got my lunch from the fridge, went over to A’s desk to tell her and get her contact info, and then I sent V an e-mail.  It was a nice e-mail, just “I’m sorry to say I need to leave.  Thank you for the opportunity.”  plain and simple.  Right after I hit send I picked up my stuff, said bye to CH (I’m really going to miss you buddy!  You kept me sane on so many days where I was having a meltdown), and then I walked out of there forever.

It feels good that I don’t have to go there anymore but also I am somewhat nervous about what lies ahead.  I have already called and sent my resume to a bunch of employment agencies so InshaAllah we will see how it goes.  I’m just glad I don’t have to cry every day and worry about who is going to yell at me over the phone. sigh

What really got me to this point was last night when Ibrahim called me and I said salaam he said “Guzelim, you’ve been crying.  What’s going on?” and just the way he said it made me realize: this job has really taken a toll on me.  I haven’t been my usual upbeat vibrant self.  I haven’t been the person that my family and friends love.  I was a shadow of my former self and that job was making me disappear further every day.

 

Update

So I didn’t have to give my two week’s notice after all. Here’s what happened:

In the morning I met with V, my direct supervisor. She said that they just have to find someone to replace me on the phone and then they will move me to design only. So I thought, ok at least they are making an effort to hire someone to replace me and eventually I will get off the phone.

Later in the afternoon M, the big boss, asked to meet with me. She didn’t know I had already met with V. She said instead of making me into a full time designer she had talked to V about putting me in a senior level admin position. The admin positions, esp the senior level, are the highest jobs here. The admins are responsible for overseeing everything and communicating with our partners. I think that would be a good job for me, especially because I don’t have to talk to anybody. I can listen to my iPod all day if I want. Also, since my job won’t depend on the phones I can change my schedule so I am going to ask if I can work 7-3:30 instead. That way I’ll have more free time especially during summer.

I’m actually really excited to making that transition. I think my life here at work would be so much better then.

In other news, on Wednesday my dad went to the 24 hour fitness near our house because his company has a deal with them so we can get really good rates. He went and talked to one of the consultants there about signing us both up. When I came home from work he asked if I would go in and talk to the consultant so we went. I really have been meaning to get in shape for years, the problem is that I get bored easily. Running outside is fine but if you always run the same course it gets so mundane. I didn’t want to join a gym before because I would be self conscious and I’ve noticed that a lot of people who go to gyms already look fit. But I will give it a shot, especially because my dad is so willing to go with me and everything.

So we’ll see how it goes. I’m having my first workout with my personal trainer tomorrow. I wonder how that’s going to be. I haven’t really worked out at a gym before except for back in 8th grade I went to a gym to take a step aerobics class but I was very uncomfortable because I was so young.

It seems like it’ll be a lot of fun to go to this gym so I am actually looking forward to it. And maybe you won’t even recognize me next time you see me, Ibrahim

 

The Last Straw

I have decided to give my two week’s notice today.  I can’t take the micro managing here anymore and this job is ruining my health.

This morning when I came in I had a few e-mails asking “Why is this site not done yet?” and I got fed up.  I wish I didn’t have to give any notice and I could walk out right now but that doesn’t look very professional and I don’t think it would reflect well on future employers.

My only problem is: who should I talk to because our manager, M, keeps delaying our meeting since Friday.  I was thinking of talking to my supervisor, V, about it since she is here already but I don’t know which is better.  The thing is, I stepped over V and made a meeting with M to try to change the nature of my job so I don’t know how it would look to them if I just e-mail V to talk to her.

 

This Week

On Tuesday around 11:30 while I was at work I felt like I was going to faint.  I could not concentrate on anything so I went home at noon.  I haven’t felt like that since when I had my wisdom teeth pulled and was woozy for a few days afterwards.

When I got home I ate and took a nap.  I felt better afterwards but I stayed home Wednesday just to be sure.  I believe that the reason I have been getting sick is because of stress.  I really have not been this uncomfortable ever.  I have decided to tell M, the head of our department, that I cannot continue in the same capacity that I have been.  If I didn’t have to deal with customers I would stay here but if things don’t change I will have to leave.  Sigh.  I just need to get through today because I am supposed to meet with her tomorrow.

 

For Ibrahim

From www.grimmy.com

 

Update on Yesterday

I was nervous when I was going to go talk to M, the manager of our whole department, and ask her to put me on design only but it went surprisingly well.  She said that next week they will put me on design, so I can answer phones and design only.  No more content collection!  I am so relieved.  I had been depressed about the cc part of my job for the longest time.

So hopefully it will work out and I will probably like being here a lot more.  But I am still going to continue looking for another job.

 

Assaulted by Dreams

I keep having short nightmares that make me wake up terrified.  I haven’t been able to sleep decently for weeks now.  I think the main reason for this is stress.  Basically I can’t stand my job.  I hate having to come here in the morning.  It makes me physically ill.  The whole problem is that one of my responsibilities is calling customers to go over the information that is going to go on their website.  This part of my job feels like telemarketing because most of the time the client does not know they will be contacted by us so I encounter a lot of skeptical and abusive people.  I am much too sensitive for this because every time I hear some negative thing from a customer I worry about it for weeks.

So I have resolved to tell my supervisor that I cannot do this part of the job.  I can still answer incoming calls but I do not want to make any outgoing calls.  I hope she doesn’t fire me because of it.  That would look bad on my record but I can’t do it anymore.  So InshaAllah she will work with me on it.  I am trying to find another job but in the meantime I’d still like to work here.  The only other option I have is to go back to mechanic work but that won’t look good on my resume.  I have been contemplating quitting work here and then looking for a job full time but I feel like if I do that then I will spend months being unemployed and getting nowhere like I did last time.  That time when I was unemployed and not in school was the most depressing period of my life so far and I do not want to repeat it.

This past weekend I felt so terribly let down by how my life is.  I can’t believe it’s reached this point because when I started this job I was so full of hope and excitement and I really haven’t worked here that long.  I have cried more within this past few months than I have cried in my entire life.  I feel bad that my parents and Ibrahim’s parents have to give me pep talks every day.  They are so supportive and caring.  Every day I come downstairs and my parents (or if I’m at my other house, Ibrahim’s parents) tell me to go with a positive attitude to work.  I do that initially but when I get here I get so depressed and teary again.  I even cry while I’m here.  Pathetic, isn’t it?

 

More unmotivation

I am slipping into this bad habit of calling in sick when I can’t stand the thought of going in to work.  On Monday I had called in and spent the day driving around with Zuleyha.  Yesterday I called in sick again.  My parents are worried that my supervisor will take this as a sign that I am dissatisfied with the job and they are afraid I’ll get fired but I really don’t think that will happen.  I plan to get another job before they can get to that point. 

There are a ton of reasons why I have gotten really annoyed with this job: 1) dealing with customers is not an easy or fun thing to do, 2) my time is micro managed - I have to take my lunch at 1 and come back by 1:30, 3) the work is so boring, 4) I don’t have any benefits (I haven’t had medical insurance for over a year now), and 5) I don’t get paid enough to compensate for the commute.  I could get paid more and have benefits working closer to home.  So InshaAllah that will happen asap.  I’m dying here.

 

Unmotivation

Yesterday in the last hour of my work day my computer started making this loud noise. It sounded like the fan was working extra hard. It was giving me a headache and I shut the computer down when I left. This morning when I initially turned it on there was no noise but after about a half hour it started again. This time it was much worse, it sounded like it was going to explode so I had to shut it back down and was unable to do any work. A colleague of mine leaves at 12:30 so after he left I went to his desk but when I logged in the computer had to be set up with the network and that took a while longer. I sat at that desk for awhile and then S, the IT lady who took my computer earlier brought my computer back. She said that when she turned my computer on it made no sound so she brought it back to me. As I am sitting here I am cringing because I expect my computer to make that sound again. If that happens I will just turn my computer off and go home. sigh, this was such a waste of my day. I’d rather have been at home.

It is really making me not want to do anything.  I was back at my computer at around 2:30 so I still had two hours left but I didn’t do any work, except for answer a few calls.  I really hope I find a new job soon, this one is boring me to tears.

 

When I Should Be Working

From www.grimmy.com